An Introduction to the 5 Love Languages
Martha Bartlow, LPC, NCC, Supervisor
When my husband and I first got married, I could never understand why he would clean the entire house when I was upset instead of giving me a hug. I would be sitting alone on the couch, wondering why he didn’t care, while he was in the other room feverishly cleaning the kitchen.
We took The 5 Love Languages quiz early on, and both of us realized we were showing love in different ways. His primary love language is Acts of Service, and mine is Physical Touch. So, when he was cleaning the kitchen, he was showing me he loved me in the way that meant the most to him. I have since been able to reframe that thought process and interpret his acts of service as a genuine expression of love, and he has learned that I usually just need a hug.
The 5 Love Languages is always one of the first things I explore when working with a new couple. It certainly does not solve everything, but it allows both people to understand how they can best show their partner love and recognize the ways their partner has already been expressing love that may have gone unnoticed. I encourage people to take the quiz to determine their love language and, ideally, review the results with a trusted couples counselor.
Acts of Service
If you feel loved when someone does the laundry you were just about to fold or makes your favorite dinner, then your love language may be Acts of Service. It shows that someone is willing to notice what needs to be done and support you by doing it. Acts of service can look different for each individual, so try to understand what kinds of actions uplift your partner the most. This might include putting away laundry, making the bed, cleaning the bathroom, fixing something around the house, bringing them breakfast, or packing them a to-go lunch.
Words of Affirmation
People with this love language often feel deeply seen when their partner tells them they look nice or expresses pride in them. They want to know they are important and appreciated. They may cherish love letters and feel especially encouraged by positive feedback at work. On the flip side, negative comments about their appearance or worth can be especially hurtful, as words carry significant weight for them.
Quality Time
Sometimes, simply sitting together on the couch watching a movie is enough for someone to feel connected. However, the emphasis here is on quality. Sitting together while both of you are on your phones does not count. Instead, try engaging in shared activities like doing a puzzle, going for a walk, attending a concert, or planning a date night. People with this love language may feel hurt when their partner declines spending time together, as it can feel like a lack of love in that moment.
Gifts
If you have ever given your partner a gift that missed the mark and they were very upset afterward, they may have a Gifts love language. Gifts can demonstrate how well you listen and how deeply you understand your partner. For some, the monetary value matters as a sign of investment; for others, it is purely about thoughtfulness, such as bringing home a handpicked bouquet after work. Ultimately, it is about saying, “I thought of you when I chose this.”
Physical Touch
Physical touch does not always mean sex (although it can be included). It may look like a hug after a long day, holding hands during a walk, or giving a foot rub while talking. It creates a sense of connection that is uniquely fulfilling in a romantic relationship. People with this love language may feel hurt when their partner declines physical affection, such as turning down a back rub or pulling away from holding hands. If this is your partner’s love language, prioritize affection through cuddling, kissing, and hugging.
This is the quiz I use and review with my clients: