Intimacy After Kids: Are We Doomed?
So, you've had a baby. Or babies. And it seems like your sex life never really recovered. Maybe it wasn't even all fireworks before the kids came. Now what? Are you just stuck with a lifetime of frustration from here on out?
It certainly doesn't have to be that way. I have worked with many couples who have gone months or years without sex, only to find their way back to one another and a routine that feels more comfortable. It can feel incredibly hard to bring this topic up, especially since this is a subject so many people were not only taught to avoid but were outright made to feel ashamed of. Taking the time to unravel those feelings and move toward open conversations with your partner can lead to a new level of emotional intimacy and a greater ability to tackle difficult conversations together.
Always start these conversations outside of the moment (maybe even outside of the bedroom), rather than right after your partner rejects your advance. Try sitting down for coffee and saying, "I miss being more intimate with you. Can we talk about it?" Or grab a snack after the kids go to bed and say, "I would love for us to work together to find a way to make sex something we both look forward to." The more you present the concern as something you want to work on together, the better chance you have of the conversation going well.
Next comes learning what to actually say. Start by trying to understand each other and the problem before either of you tries to fix it. Try asking questions like these:
How satisfied are you with our sex life right now, and is there anything you would like to be different?
In an ideal world, how often would you like us to be physically intimate?
How would you define intimacy, and what kinds of things make you feel most connected?
What helps you feel interested in sex, and is there anything that tends to decrease your desire?
Do you feel desired, wanted, and attractive to me? What kinds of things make you feel that way?
How have parenthood, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, stress, and our daily responsibilities affected your desire for intimacy?
Do you feel comfortable initiating and declining sex?
Was there anything about our sex life before kids that you wish we could incorporate more of now?
Is there anything related to this topic that you have been nervous to tell me?
What kinds of things do you think could realistically help us feel more aligned on this?
If you try talking about this topic and aren't making meaningful progress, it might be time to meet with a professional who can help both of you feel more comfortable navigating these conversations.
It is also important to note that sometimes painful sex becomes a reality after having children. If this is the case in your relationship, please don't just power through it. Seeking help from a doctor or pelvic floor physical therapist can make a significant difference in pain levels.
Martha Bartlow, LPC